Cookies

I made cookies last night. I practically had them for dinner. I was super excited that there were some left over this morning and I had one for breakfast. I'm sure they weren't totally healthy, but they were made with oatmeal at least. Actually I did pretty well with my food consumption yesterday, at least until the cookie part. There was no fast food, no soda (I'm sure I will be paying with a headache in a few hours), and I had stir fry for dinner (I was just kidding about the cookies being my dinner...they were my side dish). I didn't do any formal exercise, but I did work in the yard. I know that's not "real" exercise but at least I wasn't laying around all day.

I've been researching different recipes online. I've found some for freezable breakfast burritos and no flour no sugar (not even the fake kind), muffins. I think I might have to give them a try. I hate cooking though. I really really hate it. I need to hire a chef...and a housekeeper...THEN my life would be SUPER awesome...If only I could make that work!

The Next Day

I woke up this morning to my younger two children asking for pancakes. They ask me for pancakes almost everyday. I told them no because we didn't have any syrup. That wasn't the real reason. I just didn't feel like making them. They proceeded to make their own bowls of cereal, my 5 year old so proud because she did it all by herself. I need to figure out quick, easy, and healthy breakfast options.

I feel a little overwhelmed. My heart and mind and body are yearning for a change but the fact of the matter is, my mind can't seem to keep up with change. I usually talk myself out of the hard things that need to get done in order to succeed and then after the disappointment goes away, my life continues on as usual, adding one pound at a time.

I need some sort of plan. I've done weight watchers in the past. The first time I joined, I was successful. I lost almost 40 pounds and I felt and looked pretty good. I was running non stop for 30 minutes straight. That was something that I never could remember being able to do...ever. Then, the weight stopped coming off. I'm pretty sure I was building muscle, but I got frustrated, and slowly started back in my old ways, gradually making my way back up to almost 200 pounds. I've joined Weight Watchers numerous times since then, with little success. I also tried that HcG diet. How did I even survive that? There was probably a reason why I didn't tell too many people what I was actually doing. I knew what they would say. I counted calories for awhile while doing Body by Vi which worked until I didn't want to pay for it anymore. The truth is, I don't want to count points or calories FOR.THE.REST.OF.MY.LIFE! I know some weight loss gurus out there are going to tell me that I won't have success if I'm not counting something. They might be right, but I am going to figure something out, on my own, that works for me.

I crawled out of bed and waddled on my sore feet to the bathroom. I stepped on the scale to reveal a weight of 193.3 pounds. That is about one pound shy of my heaviest weight ever. It's time for me to get busy. I know this is going to be hard, but I can do hard things...I hope!

Getting Started

I am often reminded of my weight loss desires especially right after I've downed the first, then a second, and yes, even a third cupcake (true story). I am far beyond the guilt that eating 3 cupcakes in a row would have brought me in the past. Instead, I look at the empty wrappers and think about having another.

I think my favorite part of the day is when I am lying in bed, trying to fall asleep. I do my best thinking there. It is during this time that I get inspired. I lay there, usually with a full and content tummy, and think about how easy it is going to be to get up the next day and workout and eat healthy. Then, I fall asleep knowing that tomorrow is going to be AWESOME! Daybreak comes and my healthy living night time thoughts have all faded away. I'm sure they are there though, trying to keep up with me as I drive thru the McDonalds Drive through ordering a sausage McMuffin, hash brown, and a medium Dr. Pepper.

I wasn't always a big boned girl. In fact, I was pretty skinny up until about 8th or 9th grade. I used to think I was totally fat then too. I was embarrassed to even wear a tank top because my arms were enormous. If only I looked like that now *sigh*. I don't know all the reasons why I packed on weight during that time. I can only chalk it up to a stressful childhood. Don't get me wrong, my childhood wasn't bad. I have a lot of great memories but during my high school years, my mom left my dad several times and I was stuck living in the house with my dad whom I didn't have a real strong relationship with. Again, it wasn't a bad relationship, it just wasn't an awesome one. "Stuck" is probably not the best word to use. I loved my home and felt completely safe and comfortable there. Instead of a healthy way to deal with what was going on in my life, I turned to food as my choice of drug. Oh food...yummy, yummy food. I could always find comfort in food. And with that, the pounds started dancing around my waistline and other various places on my body.

I have never fully been able to break my drug habit. It has gotten me through many many hard times and seems to work...at least until I can't button up my pants anymore. When that happens, I often lay in bed at night thinking that I can change my ways starting in the morning and then I see the cupcakes my daughter made on the counter and it begins again.

I've decided to start this blog. Well, actually, I decided to start this blog like 6 months ago. I'm just now getting around to it. I'm kinda nervous though because my plans are to be brutally honest with not only you, but most importantly, myself. I am scared that all my insecurities will come out in all their unflattered glory and everyone will see me for who I really am and not who I pretend to be. I'm scared to face the music. I usually face music cuddled up comfy somewhere. Now I will have to face it exercising...oh no! I forgot about that part. Gah! I hate exercise!

Perhaps tomorrow will be that day...the day that I actually remember my previous night's thoughts and instead of them chasing me through the McDonald's drive thru, they will chase me as I walk around the block once or twice. Of course, it is evening time and my tummy is full and content right now, but tomorrow is going to be different. I can taste it...I think.

I CAN DO THIS...I CAN DO HARD THINGS!